Family Trouble Much?

SO no matter what we do as parents our children will become the persons who they are meant to be. This is predetermined. We are bound by our genetic makeup. At least this is what I have concluded based on discussions with dear friends.


The first of one such conversation began as my best friend explained to me that her second child is something like the devil and her first child is all that anyone could imagine in an angel. Vehemently explaining that she pours the same love and discipline into both children, she cannot understand what makes them so different. The children are four years old and two years old, a girl and a boy respectively. And while many may chalk up the differences to stages of development or sex, their mother begs to differ. With too many examples to repeat, she exclaims that both children have similar genetic make-up (same mom and dad) but how they use the gifts that they were blessed with is completely up to the inner workings of their mind (which again is genetic to a point).

My next exchange occurred with a friend who has much older children but expresses the same frustrations. Admittedly, she reflects on a time when she was apart of the snob mob. You know them. The mothers who snub their noses at your response to your child’s wanton disrespect and make comments like, ‘that couldn’t be me’ and ‘my child would never’. Now…she finds herself becoming the mother that she once rolled her eyes at the thought of becoming.

Still, I'm afraid to concede defeat so soon in my child's life. Maybe I'll wakeup when she's 18 and I'm battered and bruised from this abusive relationship that we call parenthood and realize all that I have done has been in vain or maybe I'll wakeup and I've raised a brilliant doctor. While I know that there are many variations to both outcomes, the outcome will still either be good or bad and I've come to terms with my 50/50 chances.

What do you think? Are our children ours to mold? Or, are our children there just to feed and cloth? How much does laying a foundation curb the ill effects of their own freewill?

Did You Miss Me?

To say that it has been awhile would be an understatement...so I won't say it. Anyhoo, I will be back and I will return often. I have made this promise to myself as I believe "I reached the end of the internet," as my friend Michele once said. I am bored by all the sites I frequent and the only way to revive my addiction to this worldwide web is to create a corner for myself and this blog will be just that.

My refocus will include relationship topics, hair matters, work issues, and a whole plethora of other naggings or celebrations. So let's not talk too much about the 'coming' and get on with the 'showing'...shall we. I will be back tomorrow to introduce the world (or should I say...my 12 or so followers) to my new obsession. See you then.

Guilty as Charged

Aaaahhh, it has been awhile. Today I have a 'starter topic', a sort of warm up, since it's been so long. Since the inception of summer I have been inundated with party and cookout invitations. I hate to believe this, but I have become somewhat of a snoot in my old(er) age. I like to party to blow off steam, relax, and celebrate accomplishments. These accomplishments should not include coming home from prison. Yes, it is great to rejoice in the reunion but do we really want to start their time off at home with a party? Do they really need to relax and/or blow off steam?

Ultimately we as a people have to be more responsible in the choices that we make. This includes the decision that lands one in prison and the decision to celebrate the convict's release. Two of my younger male cousins (Ages 22 and 20) will soon be released from prison on two unrelated crimes, both felony offenses, and their mothers are planning a joint release celebration?! This is baffling to me.

Instead of eating cake, smoking, drinking, partying, and doing all of the things that encouraged the heinous behavior in the first place why not have a conversation about responsibility, choices, and consequences. The underlying issue in my eyes is parenting.

If we are to champion assuming responsibility of one's action we need to start by making responsible choices as parents. We collaborate with the opposite sex to form beautiful children but sometimes along the way something goes awry and instead of fixing it we choose to live in the situation. By live in the situation I mean, not leaving when the relationship goes bad, leaving and becoming hostile to the other party, and any other resolution that hinders you from getting past the consequences of a choice. We need to begin to devise a plan of action that makes us productive members of society irrespective to the results of one decision and not live in the aftermath of bad decision making. As parents we must lead by example and if we show our offspring that we get past hard times by partying and living in the moment, what more can we really expect of them.

We have to stop playing the victim and assume responsibility. I hate to hear the complaints of someone who feels like something is always happening to them. You know the ones who keep this phrase close: "I don't understand why this always happen TO ME". The reality is we all have ups and downs in life that we are Responsible for in someway. How you Choose to deal with it will determine the outcome or the Consequence. So to sum it all up...Party with a Purpose and understand that you control your destiny more than you realize, assume responsibility for it, accept the consequences, and plan to do better the next time around.

Simple Math

I attended church service this Sunday for the first time in eons and although I didn't feel as if the pastor was speaking to me, I did feel as if we were having an intimate conversation. The type of conversation that close friends share. The topic was associations and the company you keep. Since the conversation was one-sided (obviously because he had a mic and a podium, while I sat in the audience) I decided to share my rebuttal.

To sum up the sermon, Pastor Coles eloquently stated, "You shouldn't hang around a problem unless you have developed a ministry for the solution." Just because your friends are like minded does not mean they are the best fit for you. Especially if you are not where you want to be in life. Evaluate your environment and treat your life like a business meeting where there is always someone there to play the role of the antagonist. You know... that one person who disagrees with everything, the...hater. The hater shines the light on your short-comings, jolting you out a comfortable state and making you work to be that much better.

So in this same vein I wanted to relay information that I have learned to live by in my short time on this earth.

Friendship is a matter of simple math. The company you keep serves to add, subtract, multiply, or divide from your worth. If you don't have friends who are adding to your life and thereby multiplying your net worth than the friends that you have are most likely subtracting from your positive attributes and dividing your assets while making themselves a liability on your life.

So with this I say to all my friends and close family members thank you for making me better and adding to my bottom line. That's the only Christmas present I need this year!

I Have a Story to Tell

To forgive and forget. Such a noble concept. The fact is no matter how much we say we are a forgiving people, our actions speak louder. We wear our wounds and no matter how we want them to heal the healing process is independent of our influence. True you can put cream on your scars and nurse them back to health or you can neglect the marred area and either method may yield different results. Still the fact remains that you will always remember the process when you stop to look at your battle wound or when something reminds you of the accident that caused the scar.

I say we forget about the "forgetting" process and learn to forgive and accept because our history is what really shapes us as individuals. Throughout my life the most intriguing people I have met have had a story to tell. A man (or woman) without wounds is a person who is afraid to live and who lacks a story. So cry, laugh, chill, forgive, and accept. You will be a better person for it and you will have stories to tell your children that will make them look up to you and look to you for answers because you have been through it!

Ahhhh....The Phone

The phone is the monster that wreaks much havoc in many relationships. Not necessarily the phone itself but the behavior it evokes in people. We interpret each others moods based on the conclusion of a phone conversation. Depending on what time of day (or night) the call is made or received, we gauge who the caller on the other end may be and of what importance the conversation may have on our relationship. Even if subconsciously.

Surprisingly, ignoring a call in some cases may be worse than accepting the call depending on the time of day the call comes in and the body language or facial expressions exuded from the intended receipt of the call. At the high school I attended there was a security guard, Mr. Huff, and he had this saying to express the importance of timing as it pertained to school attendance but it is perfect for this situation. It goes like this: "After 8 you late, after 9 you pay a fine, after 10 you don't get in". Well, that sorta expresses how I feel about late night phone calls, especially those from the opposite sex. Honestly, what really do you have to talk about after 10 with someone who you are not in a relationship with? No, this does not extend to family and in most cases your family will not and do not call after 10 anyway.

The red flag for "illegal" conversations/inappropriate "phone relations" is when the phone rings anywhere from 11 p-2 a...and it does not get answered even though it awakes you and your significant other. In my opinion you should answer it. How do you know it's not an emergency? If you know it's not an emergency just by the name and or number on the caller Id then a conversation should be had with that person so that they do not continue to disrupt your happy home, right then and there. By no means do you have to be rude to them but simply express that you are sleeping and are usually sleep around this time so that they get the hint. If you are not willing to do this then just maybe there is cause for concern from your partner.

My Friend Wants to Know...

It has been awhile! Not on purpose did I neglect my blog but because of pure confusion. I guess I'm at the time in my life where nothing makes sense and everything is new. Still mildly confused, I decided to bring an issue to the table so I could stop it from tormenting me. I truly enjoy the wide array of different viewpoints; well not that wide since not many of you respond!

Anyhoo, My Friend Wants to Know.... if she sleeps with a man while she is pregnant, who is not the father of the child, is that wrong? I wish I could have finessed that better but it is what it is.

My personal take on the issue:

Deal with the situation you are in at the moment before moving on to someone else. If this is your way of dealing with the situation at the moment then be able to handle the repercussion of your actions. It is not always going to be an instance where, "I needed it at the moment and that was that" because what if you contract a STD? Pregnant women are more apt to have unprotected sex because of the obvious. What if you get back together with your baby's father? Can you deal with the constant reminder that you stepped out while you were pregnant and have him potentially questioning the paternity of your child? Or, what if you fall in love with the guy who was intended for entertainment purposes only?

The waters get soooooo muddy when taking this route but hey I have always been more cautious than I sometimes agree with! So if you choose to throw it all in the wind and let loose, than let loose. Just make sure you don't cause yourself more emotional harm for short term happiness.