I attended church service this Sunday for the first time in eons and although I didn't feel as if the pastor was speaking to me, I did feel as if we were having an intimate conversation. The type of conversation that close friends share. The topic was associations and the company you keep. Since the conversation was one-sided (obviously because he had a mic and a podium, while I sat in the audience) I decided to share my rebuttal.
To sum up the sermon, Pastor Coles eloquently stated, "You shouldn't hang around a problem unless you have developed a ministry for the solution." Just because your friends are like minded does not mean they are the best fit for you. Especially if you are not where you want to be in life. Evaluate your environment and treat your life like a business meeting where there is always someone there to play the role of the antagonist. You know... that one person who disagrees with everything, the...hater. The hater shines the light on your short-comings, jolting you out a comfortable state and making you work to be that much better.
So in this same vein I wanted to relay information that I have learned to live by in my short time on this earth.
Friendship is a matter of simple math. The company you keep serves to add, subtract, multiply, or divide from your worth. If you don't have friends who are adding to your life and thereby multiplying your net worth than the friends that you have are most likely subtracting from your positive attributes and dividing your assets while making themselves a liability on your life.
So with this I say to all my friends and close family members thank you for making me better and adding to my bottom line. That's the only Christmas present I need this year!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
I Have a Story to Tell
To forgive and forget. Such a noble concept. The fact is no matter how much we say we are a forgiving people, our actions speak louder. We wear our wounds and no matter how we want them to heal the healing process is independent of our influence. True you can put cream on your scars and nurse them back to health or you can neglect the marred area and either method may yield different results. Still the fact remains that you will always remember the process when you stop to look at your battle wound or when something reminds you of the accident that caused the scar.
I say we forget about the "forgetting" process and learn to forgive and accept because our history is what really shapes us as individuals. Throughout my life the most intriguing people I have met have had a story to tell. A man (or woman) without wounds is a person who is afraid to live and who lacks a story. So cry, laugh, chill, forgive, and accept. You will be a better person for it and you will have stories to tell your children that will make them look up to you and look to you for answers because you have been through it!
I say we forget about the "forgetting" process and learn to forgive and accept because our history is what really shapes us as individuals. Throughout my life the most intriguing people I have met have had a story to tell. A man (or woman) without wounds is a person who is afraid to live and who lacks a story. So cry, laugh, chill, forgive, and accept. You will be a better person for it and you will have stories to tell your children that will make them look up to you and look to you for answers because you have been through it!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Ahhhh....The Phone
The phone is the monster that wreaks much havoc in many relationships. Not necessarily the phone itself but the behavior it evokes in people. We interpret each others moods based on the conclusion of a phone conversation. Depending on what time of day (or night) the call is made or received, we gauge who the caller on the other end may be and of what importance the conversation may have on our relationship. Even if subconsciously.
Surprisingly, ignoring a call in some cases may be worse than accepting the call depending on the time of day the call comes in and the body language or facial expressions exuded from the intended receipt of the call. At the high school I attended there was a security guard, Mr. Huff, and he had this saying to express the importance of timing as it pertained to school attendance but it is perfect for this situation. It goes like this: "After 8 you late, after 9 you pay a fine, after 10 you don't get in". Well, that sorta expresses how I feel about late night phone calls, especially those from the opposite sex. Honestly, what really do you have to talk about after 10 with someone who you are not in a relationship with? No, this does not extend to family and in most cases your family will not and do not call after 10 anyway.
The red flag for "illegal" conversations/inappropriate "phone relations" is when the phone rings anywhere from 11 p-2 a...and it does not get answered even though it awakes you and your significant other. In my opinion you should answer it. How do you know it's not an emergency? If you know it's not an emergency just by the name and or number on the caller Id then a conversation should be had with that person so that they do not continue to disrupt your happy home, right then and there. By no means do you have to be rude to them but simply express that you are sleeping and are usually sleep around this time so that they get the hint. If you are not willing to do this then just maybe there is cause for concern from your partner.
Surprisingly, ignoring a call in some cases may be worse than accepting the call depending on the time of day the call comes in and the body language or facial expressions exuded from the intended receipt of the call. At the high school I attended there was a security guard, Mr. Huff, and he had this saying to express the importance of timing as it pertained to school attendance but it is perfect for this situation. It goes like this: "After 8 you late, after 9 you pay a fine, after 10 you don't get in". Well, that sorta expresses how I feel about late night phone calls, especially those from the opposite sex. Honestly, what really do you have to talk about after 10 with someone who you are not in a relationship with? No, this does not extend to family and in most cases your family will not and do not call after 10 anyway.
The red flag for "illegal" conversations/inappropriate "phone relations" is when the phone rings anywhere from 11 p-2 a...and it does not get answered even though it awakes you and your significant other. In my opinion you should answer it. How do you know it's not an emergency? If you know it's not an emergency just by the name and or number on the caller Id then a conversation should be had with that person so that they do not continue to disrupt your happy home, right then and there. By no means do you have to be rude to them but simply express that you are sleeping and are usually sleep around this time so that they get the hint. If you are not willing to do this then just maybe there is cause for concern from your partner.
My Friend Wants to Know...
It has been awhile! Not on purpose did I neglect my blog but because of pure confusion. I guess I'm at the time in my life where nothing makes sense and everything is new. Still mildly confused, I decided to bring an issue to the table so I could stop it from tormenting me. I truly enjoy the wide array of different viewpoints; well not that wide since not many of you respond!
Anyhoo, My Friend Wants to Know.... if she sleeps with a man while she is pregnant, who is not the father of the child, is that wrong? I wish I could have finessed that better but it is what it is.
My personal take on the issue:
Deal with the situation you are in at the moment before moving on to someone else. If this is your way of dealing with the situation at the moment then be able to handle the repercussion of your actions. It is not always going to be an instance where, "I needed it at the moment and that was that" because what if you contract a STD? Pregnant women are more apt to have unprotected sex because of the obvious. What if you get back together with your baby's father? Can you deal with the constant reminder that you stepped out while you were pregnant and have him potentially questioning the paternity of your child? Or, what if you fall in love with the guy who was intended for entertainment purposes only?
The waters get soooooo muddy when taking this route but hey I have always been more cautious than I sometimes agree with! So if you choose to throw it all in the wind and let loose, than let loose. Just make sure you don't cause yourself more emotional harm for short term happiness.
Anyhoo, My Friend Wants to Know.... if she sleeps with a man while she is pregnant, who is not the father of the child, is that wrong? I wish I could have finessed that better but it is what it is.
My personal take on the issue:
Deal with the situation you are in at the moment before moving on to someone else. If this is your way of dealing with the situation at the moment then be able to handle the repercussion of your actions. It is not always going to be an instance where, "I needed it at the moment and that was that" because what if you contract a STD? Pregnant women are more apt to have unprotected sex because of the obvious. What if you get back together with your baby's father? Can you deal with the constant reminder that you stepped out while you were pregnant and have him potentially questioning the paternity of your child? Or, what if you fall in love with the guy who was intended for entertainment purposes only?
The waters get soooooo muddy when taking this route but hey I have always been more cautious than I sometimes agree with! So if you choose to throw it all in the wind and let loose, than let loose. Just make sure you don't cause yourself more emotional harm for short term happiness.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Ignorance is Bliss
There was a time when I was so gullible and trusting. Life will make you stand on guard and question if the sky is blue on a sun shiny day...or is that men. Well either way I have been stripped of that blind happiness, that Walt Disney fairytale type bliss and now I have the worst trust issues.
I think this all started when I decided to venture into a "real" relationship. I thought, like most of us, you give what you would like to get in return. Karma was king; do unto others as you would wish that they do to you. Now I am beginning to see that it does not matter what you put out you will get what you got coming. The most important thing is to stop it from changing you. I am trying hard to stop the effects of mistreatment. You never want to feel like you are being spiteful because someone treated you like dog doo-doo.
The best response is to change your environment so that it fits with the type of person you are. If you are in an environment where cheating and lying is a way of life and you would rather play it straight and be truthful, don't change who you are just to play the part in this tragedy. Go find your romantic comedy and have a happy ending.
I think this all started when I decided to venture into a "real" relationship. I thought, like most of us, you give what you would like to get in return. Karma was king; do unto others as you would wish that they do to you. Now I am beginning to see that it does not matter what you put out you will get what you got coming. The most important thing is to stop it from changing you. I am trying hard to stop the effects of mistreatment. You never want to feel like you are being spiteful because someone treated you like dog doo-doo.
The best response is to change your environment so that it fits with the type of person you are. If you are in an environment where cheating and lying is a way of life and you would rather play it straight and be truthful, don't change who you are just to play the part in this tragedy. Go find your romantic comedy and have a happy ending.
Monday, June 23, 2008
'Til Divorce Due Us Part
So Reggie comes home last night after having a drink and shares with me a story about two divorced men who were campaigning for the dissolution of all marriages since theirs didn't work out. One complained of "losing himself" while the other said "it was the worst thing he could have ever done". Of course this conversation aggravated me to the point that I wish I had been there to ask Dumb and Dumber a few questions just so I could understand their stance a little better. To say that I don't empathize with them would be an understatement.
First, relationships are hard work and to think that you will have it easier being married is a laughable concept. To have a good line of communication is to have a sturdy foundation and it is obvious that the talking or the communicating part of these relationships were a weaker part of the union. Marriage is a dance of give and take or compromise but when you have compromised so much that you "lose yourself" you need not blame the person you are with for being stronger than you, you need to take a realistic look in the mirror for allowing someone to overpower you. You don't lose your voice because you decided to collaborate on this project called life, you harmonize and make beautiful music together.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe that some relationships may become unbearable but that didn't happen over night. Oh no! That is the culmination of a lot of ignoring signs that showed you this person was not the one for you and if this is the case no one faults you for waking up and moving on in life but take responsibility for the part that you played in this tragedy and don't complain about the process it takes to get out since it was just as difficult getting in to it.
I don't hear too many women screaming, "I will never get married again" but men cry this so often I am tired of hearing it. Stop being babies. I mean lets be for real...during the engagement the woman wears the ring and the whole world knows she is in the process of becoming a better person so that she can raise a family while the man parades around town loosely, rarely mentioning a significant other let alone a fiancee. Then when the marriage comes the woman puts on yet another ring to show the world that the process is complete while the man complains that his ring gets in the way of his work so he still doesn't wear it. This maybe one of the most simplistic examples of how some men are in relationships/marriages but it drives home the point that all the complaining is not limited to the bigger problems in the marriage. Maybe if some of the energy you used complaining was used to work through the issues in your union you wouldn't be that old depressed drunkard at the bar complaining yet again about how you will never get married again (that is to assume that someone would want to marry you again?!). If it didn't work out brush yourself off and keep it moving don't try to interfere with someone else's blessing because even if it does not work out for the next man who are you to deprive him of the experience or the path that has been laid out for him?
First, relationships are hard work and to think that you will have it easier being married is a laughable concept. To have a good line of communication is to have a sturdy foundation and it is obvious that the talking or the communicating part of these relationships were a weaker part of the union. Marriage is a dance of give and take or compromise but when you have compromised so much that you "lose yourself" you need not blame the person you are with for being stronger than you, you need to take a realistic look in the mirror for allowing someone to overpower you. You don't lose your voice because you decided to collaborate on this project called life, you harmonize and make beautiful music together.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe that some relationships may become unbearable but that didn't happen over night. Oh no! That is the culmination of a lot of ignoring signs that showed you this person was not the one for you and if this is the case no one faults you for waking up and moving on in life but take responsibility for the part that you played in this tragedy and don't complain about the process it takes to get out since it was just as difficult getting in to it.
I don't hear too many women screaming, "I will never get married again" but men cry this so often I am tired of hearing it. Stop being babies. I mean lets be for real...during the engagement the woman wears the ring and the whole world knows she is in the process of becoming a better person so that she can raise a family while the man parades around town loosely, rarely mentioning a significant other let alone a fiancee. Then when the marriage comes the woman puts on yet another ring to show the world that the process is complete while the man complains that his ring gets in the way of his work so he still doesn't wear it. This maybe one of the most simplistic examples of how some men are in relationships/marriages but it drives home the point that all the complaining is not limited to the bigger problems in the marriage. Maybe if some of the energy you used complaining was used to work through the issues in your union you wouldn't be that old depressed drunkard at the bar complaining yet again about how you will never get married again (that is to assume that someone would want to marry you again?!). If it didn't work out brush yourself off and keep it moving don't try to interfere with someone else's blessing because even if it does not work out for the next man who are you to deprive him of the experience or the path that has been laid out for him?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
An Ode to Him
In class the other night my somberly single friend decided to take a survey of all who were engaged, married, or something close to either of the two just to point out how alone she was in her quest to find her perfect companion. After being asked about her man, one girl responded "Girl, don't cuss at me I am single and I don't need a man!" Whoa, after looking at each other and commenting with our eyes we just turned around because we both knew that this was a conversation best had after class.
Granted we don't "need" men at all points in our lives but damn if I don't want one. To be so adamant about your detest for men is a special existence. The saying goes: It's better to have loved and to have lost than to not have loved at all. Maybe this female is recovering from a lose and I hope the recovery part is her focus. Who really wants to die alone clinging to the "I am woman, hear me roar" philosophy when you can be cuddled up with someone whose spirit is aligned with yours? Even if you have to kiss a few frogs in your lifetime when you finally find your prince it will all turn out to be worth the stress.
I remember what it was like to be spoiled for choice and to know that if I wanted to go out, move out of town, be a bum, or live life in fast lane I could do it. All of that pales in comparison to having a family that depends on you; a family to form everlasting memories with. I hate to sound preachy, preachy but all I'm saying is enjoy where you are in life but don't be adverse to someone else coming along for the ride because it just might be the best roller-coaster ride you ever had in your life. Relationships are sure to give you a variety of ups and downs and twists and turns but for every one night I spent crying I spent 20 laughing until I cried.
Granted we don't "need" men at all points in our lives but damn if I don't want one. To be so adamant about your detest for men is a special existence. The saying goes: It's better to have loved and to have lost than to not have loved at all. Maybe this female is recovering from a lose and I hope the recovery part is her focus. Who really wants to die alone clinging to the "I am woman, hear me roar" philosophy when you can be cuddled up with someone whose spirit is aligned with yours? Even if you have to kiss a few frogs in your lifetime when you finally find your prince it will all turn out to be worth the stress.
I remember what it was like to be spoiled for choice and to know that if I wanted to go out, move out of town, be a bum, or live life in fast lane I could do it. All of that pales in comparison to having a family that depends on you; a family to form everlasting memories with. I hate to sound preachy, preachy but all I'm saying is enjoy where you are in life but don't be adverse to someone else coming along for the ride because it just might be the best roller-coaster ride you ever had in your life. Relationships are sure to give you a variety of ups and downs and twists and turns but for every one night I spent crying I spent 20 laughing until I cried.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
My Friend Wants to Know...
In an effort to make this inaugural week interesting and to gain readership and responses I have decided to post a message everyday this week. Now this won't be the norm because Lord knows I juggle way too much to remember to post my feelings everyday but I will try to do the best I can. So today I thought I would start with a section that I plan to make a recurring theme of sorts. This section will be entitled: My Friend Wants to Know. Anonymity is the point! So I will pose a question, post my answer and hope for responses still the beauty of the whole thing is no one really knows if its an issue that I am dealing with or if "my friend" truly exist.
The funny thing about the previous post and the responses I got was the fact that I never mentioned if my friend was a man or a woman but the assumption was that my friend was a man. Tsk, Tsk! I won't address this further than saying "It's All Just a Big Misunderstanding"!
So, my friend wants to know is flirting considered cheating? Now before you tackle this with your preconceived notions of what cheating is I challenge you to consider this scenario and then form an opinion. I will use I in the general sense...not that this is my situation but you will understand the story better. So I have an ex-boyfriend who is a very good "friend" we have shared some of our most intimate moments together and although nothing sexual has occurred recently I still share some of my most intimate thoughts with him. He is very insightful and I value his opinion. We were friends before we were lovers and even though I have not told my significant other about the friendship I have with him I have never lied about it either. When asked about the extent of our friendship now I simply say, "we still talk". Now my current and my former have never met and I don't plan on introducing them. Every now and again the conversation with my ex drifts into "dangerous territory" but it's just conversation, right?
The flirting is okay over the phone but if we ever saw each other in person would I have to make good on my "talk" or would we both cower in the face of temptation. The funny thing is neither one of us talks about our relationships in detail when we converse but we both have situations. He knows my likes and dislikes better than my significant other so when something happens that he knows I am especially tunned into he will text message me little things to make me smile. Still, he can not take the place of my significant other in so many other ways but the blank spaces that he fills is what makes him so special. So am I cheating? Is this conversation fetish that I have with my ex considered crossing the line of respect in my relationship? If my significant other does not know my ex can he rightfully be considered a "friend" or is he just someone I screwed and now I have good conversation with? Could I invest the effort into my relationship and have the same connection with my man? Is it important to keep "friends" for my sanity? My friend wants to know.
The funny thing about the previous post and the responses I got was the fact that I never mentioned if my friend was a man or a woman but the assumption was that my friend was a man. Tsk, Tsk! I won't address this further than saying "It's All Just a Big Misunderstanding"!
So, my friend wants to know is flirting considered cheating? Now before you tackle this with your preconceived notions of what cheating is I challenge you to consider this scenario and then form an opinion. I will use I in the general sense...not that this is my situation but you will understand the story better. So I have an ex-boyfriend who is a very good "friend" we have shared some of our most intimate moments together and although nothing sexual has occurred recently I still share some of my most intimate thoughts with him. He is very insightful and I value his opinion. We were friends before we were lovers and even though I have not told my significant other about the friendship I have with him I have never lied about it either. When asked about the extent of our friendship now I simply say, "we still talk". Now my current and my former have never met and I don't plan on introducing them. Every now and again the conversation with my ex drifts into "dangerous territory" but it's just conversation, right?
The flirting is okay over the phone but if we ever saw each other in person would I have to make good on my "talk" or would we both cower in the face of temptation. The funny thing is neither one of us talks about our relationships in detail when we converse but we both have situations. He knows my likes and dislikes better than my significant other so when something happens that he knows I am especially tunned into he will text message me little things to make me smile. Still, he can not take the place of my significant other in so many other ways but the blank spaces that he fills is what makes him so special. So am I cheating? Is this conversation fetish that I have with my ex considered crossing the line of respect in my relationship? If my significant other does not know my ex can he rightfully be considered a "friend" or is he just someone I screwed and now I have good conversation with? Could I invest the effort into my relationship and have the same connection with my man? Is it important to keep "friends" for my sanity? My friend wants to know.
Monday, June 16, 2008
The Fruits of Our Labor
So, today I was talking to my friend and I told her that I either need to get a degree in psychology or start a blog. Since I am so tired of school I decided to try blogging. I named it this because I often talk to my close knit of friends, family, and co-workers about relationships and feelings and all that mushy stuff and I realized that what I think "is" is really all just a big misunderstanding. What makes perfect sense to me is senseless to others and it is entertaining to say the least, hence the blog.
First Topic: Summertime Relationships
So my theory is in Cleveland we have such a condensed summer that we tend to "act out". This morning over coffee I tried to explain this to my co-worker to no avail. The summers here are beautiful but last all of three minutes. No one wants to be couped up in the house twiddling their thumbs watching Lifetime when we can be out by the lake enjoying life, partying, enjoying family, meeting new people, and exploring new places. Not to say that this can not happen in the other three seasons that Cleveland has (almost winter, winter, and the couple of days before summer), warm weather is just a better atmosphere for socializing which is why most people travel to warm weather places for vacations. Anyhoo, my point this morning was....Most people in relationship cheat during the summer months. Now let me first say that this is just an analysis from someone who has not cheated in years. I just like to believe that the summer evokes something inside of people who have been "faithful" all winter long doing all the "right things". These people think that they deserve a reward, and cheating is their gift to themselves. Granted a bona fide cheater is going to cheat winter, spring, summer, and fall and I will address this type of cheater in a later entry but for now I want to focus on the praise-seekers.
I won't go to much in depth with our conversation but I was talking to a friend and I asked, "how would you feel if your significant other cheated on you?" and the response was, "I don't think about it because I don't think it would ever happen and if it did I would be proud of him/her." So in essence it is not reward enough to know that you are loved unconditionally but you have to be rewarded for your commitment during the slow period (winter) by having an affair/cheating during the busy period (summer) and to top it all off you would like it if your dedicated partner took a break too during the summer. See, it is all just a big misunderstand!
First Topic: Summertime Relationships
So my theory is in Cleveland we have such a condensed summer that we tend to "act out". This morning over coffee I tried to explain this to my co-worker to no avail. The summers here are beautiful but last all of three minutes. No one wants to be couped up in the house twiddling their thumbs watching Lifetime when we can be out by the lake enjoying life, partying, enjoying family, meeting new people, and exploring new places. Not to say that this can not happen in the other three seasons that Cleveland has (almost winter, winter, and the couple of days before summer), warm weather is just a better atmosphere for socializing which is why most people travel to warm weather places for vacations. Anyhoo, my point this morning was....Most people in relationship cheat during the summer months. Now let me first say that this is just an analysis from someone who has not cheated in years. I just like to believe that the summer evokes something inside of people who have been "faithful" all winter long doing all the "right things". These people think that they deserve a reward, and cheating is their gift to themselves. Granted a bona fide cheater is going to cheat winter, spring, summer, and fall and I will address this type of cheater in a later entry but for now I want to focus on the praise-seekers.
I won't go to much in depth with our conversation but I was talking to a friend and I asked, "how would you feel if your significant other cheated on you?" and the response was, "I don't think about it because I don't think it would ever happen and if it did I would be proud of him/her." So in essence it is not reward enough to know that you are loved unconditionally but you have to be rewarded for your commitment during the slow period (winter) by having an affair/cheating during the busy period (summer) and to top it all off you would like it if your dedicated partner took a break too during the summer. See, it is all just a big misunderstand!
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